Alternative Facts to Success

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Having trouble finding success in this industry? Trust me, I get it. Recently, I completely revamped my mindset and came up with ten alternative facts to success. I immediately started booking every role, and now, I’m famous and constantly happy! The good news is this: You can be famous and constantly happy, too!


Here’s how:


1. When in doubt, lie. On your resume, when talking with a potential agent or a casting director. Just lie. Fear the white space on your resume by adding super impressive alternative facts about yourself. You will never have to prove these things, and they will always book you roles. You, alone, will never be enough.


2. It’s ok to miss auditions. If it’s beautiful out, why make it to an audition when you can hit the beach? Seriously, your agent and all casting directors will understand, and you will have plenty of more opportunities to get in those rooms later!


3. Don’t create, wait. You are an actor. You are not a producer, writer, blogger, model, dancer, comedian, athlete, etc. You are an actor. There are enough people out there creating the content. Let them do their jobs. Sit back and wait for the auditions to come in.


4. Your agent owes you. This is a one-way street, folks. Don’t worry about checking in, seeing what you can do, asking for advice, thanking them, etc. It is your agent’s job to check in with you, and often, at that. If they don’t, do not bother finding out why. Dump them and find another agent. You deserve it.


5. Never miss an opportunity to complain. Casting Directors love this. When they ask how things are going, just complain! Let them know how your agent hasn’t gotten you any auditions in ages. They love knowing you are confiding in them with this valuable information.


6. When you do have something happening, always downplay it. When people who love and support you ask what you’ve been working on, just say, “nothing.” Don’t mention the classes you’re taking, rooms you’ve gotten in, auditions you’ve had, etc.


7. If you do your best in an audition and don’t book it, it’s your fault. This one is pretty self-explanatory.


8. Therefore, book the role every time. Otherwise, what’s the point? This career is all about getting the job, and that’s the only thing we should really be focusing on. If you do not get a role, consider it a failed attempt. You have gained nothing.


9. There is a limited amount of success in the world. If a friend booked a role in which you were perfect, this is no friend to be had. It’s like when it’s sunny out and that one asshole flower steals all the sun from all the flowers around it and they all die except for the one asshole flower. It’s just like that. Don’t build each other up. Don’t celebrate each others’ success. There’s no time for that. This is a competition. Period. Think Hunger Games, but more cut-throat.


10. If you do that one thing, you will be happy. It’s true! Whatever comes to mind that takes you out of the present will absolutely bring you joy. The trick is to keep your eyes on the prize with a future-mindset. If you are staying present, you are getting too comfortable. Instead, always think about the thing you don’t have that will bring you success and happiness.


And that’s it! I promise you will have success if you follow these simple alternative facts!


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